How to say no in your personal life in ONE easy phrase
Now let’s just recap on WHY it is so important to find the word NO in your vocabulary. It’s simple. Every time you are saying “yes” to something that you shouldn't, you are just denying yourself the time and the energy that you can be spending on something more valuable, often YOU!
Remember - think of yourself like a battery. Every time you take on something that is not what you want to do you are draining yourself of energy and then you wonder why you can end up feeling depleted?! So I’d love for you to take a bit more time to think about whether you really want to do something before your well tuned “yes” reflex reaction takes over.
Now this is not about being a rude, selfish person. It is about knowing clearly what YOU WANT and being in tune with whether the myriad of invites and requests in front of you is in line with that. It's awesome to be wanted but life is not a popularity contest - really, don’t join that competition. Remember Miss Congeniality - someone wanted to shoot her !
We’ve talked in the past about thinking of your personal ROI (return on investment) when asked to do things at work, same rule applies outside of work. Clearly I am not saying that you analyse every bbq invite with a cynical “what am I going to get from this person?”. That would be an incredibly negative way to go through life. We have, however, all had those people who we find ourselves going to coffee/ dinner/ bbq with and actually afterwards we wonder why because being around them makes us feel depleted rather than rejuvenated. And we certainly ALL feel like there are not enough hours in the day as we try to be superwoman at work, school and home.
So here is the phrase that will help you find those missing hours:
“Thank you so much for the invite and for thinking of me but I am unable to make it. Hope you enjoy it”.
Not rocket science? Not that hard? Well just to be clear this is what sits behind that statement. What it IS:
courteous
short and simple
assertive
What it is NOT:
apologetic: you have nothing to apologise for, saying sorry puts you in a weakened position and implies you have done something wrong
open ended: this is not a negotiation - if you say “Wednesday is not good for me” you are opening yourself up to “how about Thursday” and missing the point that YOU DON’T WANT TO!
waffly: there is no need to concoct a whole fairy tale of the reasons why you cannot make it - again you open yourself up to negotiation on the finer points of your story. Let’s just run through that one:
“oh there is a lot going on at work”..........which leads to
“what’s going on at work?” ………………..which leads to
“oh its all a bit stressful” …………………..which leads to
“oh well we definitely need to catch up for a drink”............. which leads to
BAM! You find yourself going out when the whole damn point was that you don't want to go out…………... which leads to
You banging your head against the wall telling yourself what a frickin idiot and “why didn't I just say no?” ……………...which leads to
“Told ya!” - me
DO NOT pretend this has never happened to you because I know it has!
But what if they they don't accept it and challenge you e.g “oh come on, you can’t be that busy, I haven’t seen you in ages” ?Let’s look at it like this - this attempt to renegotiate with you is not actually showing you and your decision you the respect it deserves and that’s actually a signal for you to question if they or your relationship with them are right in your life. Here is the simple reply:
“Thank you but I’d rather not”.
Again - short, simple and no need to elaborate!
So please, I beg of you to put yourself first and think “what do I really want?”
And when you are wavering remember my super simple formula:
Saying yes to time spent doing something you aren’t overjoyed about = saying no to time spent doing something you love
Take care, have a lovely day and stay sane!
Helen x
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